Today is one of those days...
Some days are worse than others, but today is a doozy. It's the worst when you know that being dead has to be better than struggling every day with never being good enough, never being able to do enough, and always feeling like a burden to others. Seems no matter how hard I try, I always fall short of other people's expectations, and working myself into the ground doesn't offer the same relief it once did. Instead, the dread is creeping in, the fear of abandonment, the fear of futility in every action I take. I try so hard to do things to help others be happy, but it only brings resentment and criticism. The ironic thing is that I should be happy, I have almost everything I ever wanted now, but it's turning to shit like it always does. It's my fault, it always is, ask anyone, they tell me all the time.
I try to use humor to dull the pain of depression, but suicide is no joke.
If you are considering suicide please talk to someone.
I know what it's like to suffer through and wonder why I should keep doing it.
For me it's my kids, I remind myself how badly it would hurt them and then it doesn't matter that no one else would care.
I don't know the figures, but I do know that way too many people have taken their own lives, when all it would have taken was one person to really care and really listen.
During a particularly horrendous time in my life it was a K-LOVE pastor
(1-800-525-5683)
that talked me through the worst.
That was what inspired me to become a pastor, that and the absolute fact that God is always there for me, even in my darkest depression, I can talk to him.
The suicide hotline is 988
If someone comes to you talking about suicide or seems really depressed, don't judge, criticize them or patronize them, listen to them, you might be the only one that will, and it may save their life.
Another high figure is the amount of friends and loved ones of someone that committed suicide, that claim they had no idea.
If you really can't get someone to care please take the time to email me, I may not be able to respond immediately, but I will respond and I will listen.
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